is this really what i want ?



I'm so confused... I'm so lost...
I'm hearing too many things in my head, too many voices...
I'm getting torn apart and I don't know what the hell is happening.

Anyway, to make up for the delay in posting this, a little poem I wrote.

 what’s terrible is that she’s been at it for years

but only came to realize it around last september

now she’s drowning in her tears

for reasons she can’t even remember

she’s given into all her fears

& she skips right back to the bartender

trying to numb the hunger spears

&she’d told everyone she was better

though it’s only gotten severe

&now she can’t help but wonder

how she’s gotten here

when all she wanted was an answer

…please get me out of here.

What do you do with your broken heart and soul?

I may sound like a lying bitch,
for saying I was back, a few months ago,
and never posting again.


But here I am, back again.


What has happened to me, you may ask?
I have gotten hospitalized.
Twice.
I sorta collapsed.. at this point I couldn't even eat or drink anything, not even water. It was too much for my system to handle. I would puke it right up.
They had to feed me these liquids through my veins...


It's no fun.
My stomach's fucked.
I'm almost always in pain.
I'm on meds.
Oh, they also had to shove like, this 8 foot camera down my throat to see what was going on in my stomach.








Since I'm on meds, I have to eat two meals a day.
Two real meals.
&I've gotten so weak I can't really work out to work the calories off.


Needless to say, I've gained.
I'm at 94 lbs and gaining...






I hate myself atm.
I want to go back on a diet, I want to go back to Ana,
but I'm forced to eat...
I love Ana but why did she do this to me?




I am infinitely distraught.
I'm on vacation in this little country right now.
And I didn't bring any weed to make me feel better.
I can't drink either, because of the condition of my stomach.
I tried reading as a resort. Read 4 books.
And then what ?
what am I supposed to fucking do with myself ?




At first I would feel so bad I'd cry myself to sleep, like a pathetic child.
Now it's beyond that. Far far beyond.
I just sit there like an insane insomniac. Staring at the wall. Hearing and seeing things that aren't there.


It's 8:25 AM and I still haven't fallen asleep.


I didn't get to see my boyfriend for 11 months. And now this month he's back. And I can go out with him anytime. But I rather stay home and isolate myself.




I have been writing though.
At least that's one good side to this nightmare. It makes me so much more philosophical and creative.


I'll probably post some of my work.
Who knows.




Anyways, just an update, I'm back and i'll be regulary updating, hopefully for real this time


-Rezzie xxo

How did we get here?

Hello, hello.
Yes, I am back.
It's been quite a while that I haven't blogged/gone online. 
About two weeks.

What happened? You may ask?
Alright let's try to sum this up.
I had quite a trippy weekend after my last post. And I weighed in at 91 lbs. It was magical. I don't know if it was the fasting, the alcohol ( which apparently is a diuretic ) , or all the other substances I may have abused.
However, things took a turn for the worse and my mother has sort of been REALLY onto me. And she took my cake away, and has been monitoring me somewhat closely. And not only food-wise. Fuck my life.

I...fucked up with my long-distance fiancé / boyfriend / person I rarely even talk to, whatever you wanna call him.

And I have been getting fed, relatively regularly. And I have no clue how much I weigh. It's quite terrible.

However. 
I am back.
Which means, expect regular posts, written as I usually write them. 

Also, I received a music award thing, and a beautiful blogger award, which I appreciate beyond words, litterally. I am completely dumbfounded as to how I earned an award, I don't usually earn/ win much when it comes to awards (and life).
I'll be adressing it in my next post, since I am falling asleep atm. 

Also, same goes for replying to all the comments I got while gone.

Much love,
-Rezzie xx

Where is my mind? - The pixies

Whywhywhy is this happening?
Why is everybody trying to drag me away from Ana, and all the other little voices in my head?
Don't they understand? The voices are part of me, they are me.


I was so happy today. I fasted all day, resisted temptation. Read to make the hunger pain fade away. Even though as I was reading all I could think of was the pasta on the kitchen table, the desert baking in the oven, the marshmellows on the counter, the chips in the pantry above that counter, with the corn on the right , and the jell-o on the left.
But I resisted. Very well. I was so happy with myself. I went out, to try and distract myself, and shopped.
Yes I am a materialistic shallow bitch who shops to distract herself and feel better about herself.
Later on I went to my aunt's place, knowing that her house smells like babies instead of food, and that on the occasion that she does cook, it's some odd iraki dish I wouldn't like.
My cousins and I watched a hockey game. The team we were supporting lost. 


By the time I got home I was sleepy and tired and just wanted to go to bed , but I had to talk to my boyfriend.
Sigh.
He talks to me about this whole thing, which I'll explain further in my next post, since I am too sleepy at the moment. Anyways, I ended up bingeing.
Hard-fucking-core.
I probably had 1000 calories.
I had 7 marshmellows , a slice of toast with cheese, two cups of chocolate milk, two squares of dark chocolate, 2 bites of meat and 3 bites of pasta.


I am fat and ugly and stupid and worthless.


Kthx, good night girls. tomorrow I will restrict instead of fast, maybe it'll end up better than today, I hope so.
I'm aiming for no more than 200 cals all day. We'll see.

Riding in cars with boys.

Today I didn't see my mother much, which is good, because that meant no forcefeeding, and no telling me how much she hates me and how I'm worthless and whatnot. 

I also wore a skirt. Which made me feel almost pretty. almost. I liked it. It made me feel like less of a slob.

I also got my laptop charger in the mail. So I can go on my laptop again isntead of sneaking onto my mother's laptop while she's asleep.

Oh, and I chilled with some guy I just met and my best friend. Went for a ride in his car and talked about a lot of things, from religion to childhood to clit piercings. 

And I chilled a little bit later on, curled up on my couch and read some Plato.

Today was good. And my calorie intake was low too.

Friday my friends and I are going out for sushi, which means that Saturday and Sunday Im liquid fasting to make up for it. Anyone with me?

Irrelevant ramblings.

"It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
Like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear"


Words that pretty much mean the world to me at the moment, from the song Saviour by Rise against .


My mother has officially caught onto me. Inspecting my meals and weight and whatnot.
I had to stuff myself on Friday so that when she'd weigh me she wouldn't see that I was down to 92 lbs.
I binged like never before, on the most fattening, disgusting foods ever. It expanded my stomach like crazy. It fucked up my system. I hadn't had a proper meal in days, maybe even a week or two, and there I was stuffing myself like never before.
I literally thought I might die. 
I just felt full, until all of a sudden wave of heat crushed me, made me so hot, my palms sweaty, but I shivered at the same time. My heart beat so fast and hard I felt it in my head, like someone was pounding away rhythmically at my head. The nausea rapidly and simultaneously overtaking me, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks.
A while later, it all disappeared, letting place to just a dull ache in my abdomen and my heart slowed down, along with the world seemingly slowing down as well, and feeling incredibly faint.


And all I could think was, this is what I deserve for betraying Ana so badly.
I provoked her and she possessed me to tear up my insides.


While the friends that were with me shot me with " that's what you get for starving yourself all the time! "
I thought, "that's what I get for eating today."


An endless circle.




My mother made me eat today as well. 
She made me have breakfast , and lunch.


I got away with not having supper or dinner. But for some reason I felt an odd urge to drink, and so I did. Didn't have enough to get drunk, but enough to get tipsy and feel almost good, almost forgetful.
I fell asleep and got up not too long ago, my long-fucking-distance boyfriend texted and I went online to talk to him.It is 4:48 am right now, the sun's rising, and I am listening to cheesy sad songs, wondering whether I should simply give up on living altogether and become a hermit. Because I'm too pussy to end my life.
I doubt anyone would fully read this, and if you do  I congratulate you, leave me a comment and I'd read your posts fully, even if they are also novel-length.


The comments grow more and more frequent. "Ew you lost so much weight", "You're so skinny it looks like you're weirdly disproportionate" 
& I don't give a fuck. I am nowhere near skinny yet. And they're all just fatasses who wish they could get rid of that last 15 lbs but can't resist stuffing themselves like the gluttons that they are.


In other news, my mother told me a bunch of news the other day. Shes apparently diabetic, oh and she apparently wants to get a divorce from my father so that he'd take me and fuck off, because she hates my guts and doesn't want to live with me anymore. 
Yes, my mother said she hated my guts. OH well. Nothing new there.
I lay in bed, and even in my lethargic apathetic state, I manage to smile at the irony. She hates me, but is monitoring my weight & food intake. Just so that people think she's a good mother. Because if her daughter were to be anything but a healthy, straight-A student, she'd be ashamed of her reputation among her other mother-friends and family.
If only you knew, mother. If only you knew about my ED, about my past, about getting caught up with the wrong crowd, drugs & drinking, and still managing to get myself out of it, if only you knew about my depression ever since I was 12/13 ... If only you knew I was suicidal at such a young age, and used to cut. If only you knew I don't give a shit about your culture and traditions. That I hate you right back, ever since that day when I was young, when you told me just how worthless I am.


Meanwhile the voices in my head just go meaner and meaner when I stepped on the scale today only to realize I've gained a pound.


I'm liquid fasting tomorrow, and I have come up with a few different ways to trick my mother when she tries to forcefeed me.
I will make it, Ana, don't worry.


'My hipbones will be as sharp as my mind."




If you read my whole post, I love you. Leave a comment telling me you read it all, and I'd love you even more.








Anyway, what have you girls been up to? Anyone got any good tricks to skip forcefeeding sessions, or meals with family?


Thinspo : Abby Lee Kershaw, fucking fave thinspo supermodel atm.

'All we know is falling'

So my friends made me eat yesterday.
And being an idiot, I gave in.
It's what I deserve for not being as reticent as I should be with my best friend about my ED.
I had a chicken sausage (70 cal)
a sandwich, made with two slices of whole weat toast (100 cal?)
With lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber (negative cal)
And a thin slice of cheese (70 cal?)
And then two potato wedges. (70 cal?)

Stepped on the scale this morning, imagning the horrible number, the repercussions of my little binge yesterday.
But,
no.
I didn't gain.
IM AT 92 POINT SOMETHING
Can you say miracle?

I feel weak, but strong, miserable but happy, lost , but so in-control.
All I know is my ascetic ways seem to be paying off.
Today, I had breakfast :/
an egg. =around 80 cals
and a cup of milk. (90 cals?)

Skipped lunch, possibly skipping supper? Idk.
I need to go jeans shopping. All of my jeans are getting quite loose.
Anyways, I might post later on today. This was just a quick update. :)

Much love.
Rezzie xx