What do you do with your broken heart and soul?

I may sound like a lying bitch,
for saying I was back, a few months ago,
and never posting again.


But here I am, back again.


What has happened to me, you may ask?
I have gotten hospitalized.
Twice.
I sorta collapsed.. at this point I couldn't even eat or drink anything, not even water. It was too much for my system to handle. I would puke it right up.
They had to feed me these liquids through my veins...


It's no fun.
My stomach's fucked.
I'm almost always in pain.
I'm on meds.
Oh, they also had to shove like, this 8 foot camera down my throat to see what was going on in my stomach.








Since I'm on meds, I have to eat two meals a day.
Two real meals.
&I've gotten so weak I can't really work out to work the calories off.


Needless to say, I've gained.
I'm at 94 lbs and gaining...






I hate myself atm.
I want to go back on a diet, I want to go back to Ana,
but I'm forced to eat...
I love Ana but why did she do this to me?




I am infinitely distraught.
I'm on vacation in this little country right now.
And I didn't bring any weed to make me feel better.
I can't drink either, because of the condition of my stomach.
I tried reading as a resort. Read 4 books.
And then what ?
what am I supposed to fucking do with myself ?




At first I would feel so bad I'd cry myself to sleep, like a pathetic child.
Now it's beyond that. Far far beyond.
I just sit there like an insane insomniac. Staring at the wall. Hearing and seeing things that aren't there.


It's 8:25 AM and I still haven't fallen asleep.


I didn't get to see my boyfriend for 11 months. And now this month he's back. And I can go out with him anytime. But I rather stay home and isolate myself.




I have been writing though.
At least that's one good side to this nightmare. It makes me so much more philosophical and creative.


I'll probably post some of my work.
Who knows.




Anyways, just an update, I'm back and i'll be regulary updating, hopefully for real this time


-Rezzie xxo