is this really what i want ?



I'm so confused... I'm so lost...
I'm hearing too many things in my head, too many voices...
I'm getting torn apart and I don't know what the hell is happening.

Anyway, to make up for the delay in posting this, a little poem I wrote.

 what’s terrible is that she’s been at it for years

but only came to realize it around last september

now she’s drowning in her tears

for reasons she can’t even remember

she’s given into all her fears

& she skips right back to the bartender

trying to numb the hunger spears

&she’d told everyone she was better

though it’s only gotten severe

&now she can’t help but wonder

how she’s gotten here

when all she wanted was an answer

…please get me out of here.

What do you do with your broken heart and soul?

I may sound like a lying bitch,
for saying I was back, a few months ago,
and never posting again.


But here I am, back again.


What has happened to me, you may ask?
I have gotten hospitalized.
Twice.
I sorta collapsed.. at this point I couldn't even eat or drink anything, not even water. It was too much for my system to handle. I would puke it right up.
They had to feed me these liquids through my veins...


It's no fun.
My stomach's fucked.
I'm almost always in pain.
I'm on meds.
Oh, they also had to shove like, this 8 foot camera down my throat to see what was going on in my stomach.








Since I'm on meds, I have to eat two meals a day.
Two real meals.
&I've gotten so weak I can't really work out to work the calories off.


Needless to say, I've gained.
I'm at 94 lbs and gaining...






I hate myself atm.
I want to go back on a diet, I want to go back to Ana,
but I'm forced to eat...
I love Ana but why did she do this to me?




I am infinitely distraught.
I'm on vacation in this little country right now.
And I didn't bring any weed to make me feel better.
I can't drink either, because of the condition of my stomach.
I tried reading as a resort. Read 4 books.
And then what ?
what am I supposed to fucking do with myself ?




At first I would feel so bad I'd cry myself to sleep, like a pathetic child.
Now it's beyond that. Far far beyond.
I just sit there like an insane insomniac. Staring at the wall. Hearing and seeing things that aren't there.


It's 8:25 AM and I still haven't fallen asleep.


I didn't get to see my boyfriend for 11 months. And now this month he's back. And I can go out with him anytime. But I rather stay home and isolate myself.




I have been writing though.
At least that's one good side to this nightmare. It makes me so much more philosophical and creative.


I'll probably post some of my work.
Who knows.




Anyways, just an update, I'm back and i'll be regulary updating, hopefully for real this time


-Rezzie xxo

How did we get here?

Hello, hello.
Yes, I am back.
It's been quite a while that I haven't blogged/gone online. 
About two weeks.

What happened? You may ask?
Alright let's try to sum this up.
I had quite a trippy weekend after my last post. And I weighed in at 91 lbs. It was magical. I don't know if it was the fasting, the alcohol ( which apparently is a diuretic ) , or all the other substances I may have abused.
However, things took a turn for the worse and my mother has sort of been REALLY onto me. And she took my cake away, and has been monitoring me somewhat closely. And not only food-wise. Fuck my life.

I...fucked up with my long-distance fiancé / boyfriend / person I rarely even talk to, whatever you wanna call him.

And I have been getting fed, relatively regularly. And I have no clue how much I weigh. It's quite terrible.

However. 
I am back.
Which means, expect regular posts, written as I usually write them. 

Also, I received a music award thing, and a beautiful blogger award, which I appreciate beyond words, litterally. I am completely dumbfounded as to how I earned an award, I don't usually earn/ win much when it comes to awards (and life).
I'll be adressing it in my next post, since I am falling asleep atm. 

Also, same goes for replying to all the comments I got while gone.

Much love,
-Rezzie xx

Where is my mind? - The pixies

Whywhywhy is this happening?
Why is everybody trying to drag me away from Ana, and all the other little voices in my head?
Don't they understand? The voices are part of me, they are me.


I was so happy today. I fasted all day, resisted temptation. Read to make the hunger pain fade away. Even though as I was reading all I could think of was the pasta on the kitchen table, the desert baking in the oven, the marshmellows on the counter, the chips in the pantry above that counter, with the corn on the right , and the jell-o on the left.
But I resisted. Very well. I was so happy with myself. I went out, to try and distract myself, and shopped.
Yes I am a materialistic shallow bitch who shops to distract herself and feel better about herself.
Later on I went to my aunt's place, knowing that her house smells like babies instead of food, and that on the occasion that she does cook, it's some odd iraki dish I wouldn't like.
My cousins and I watched a hockey game. The team we were supporting lost. 


By the time I got home I was sleepy and tired and just wanted to go to bed , but I had to talk to my boyfriend.
Sigh.
He talks to me about this whole thing, which I'll explain further in my next post, since I am too sleepy at the moment. Anyways, I ended up bingeing.
Hard-fucking-core.
I probably had 1000 calories.
I had 7 marshmellows , a slice of toast with cheese, two cups of chocolate milk, two squares of dark chocolate, 2 bites of meat and 3 bites of pasta.


I am fat and ugly and stupid and worthless.


Kthx, good night girls. tomorrow I will restrict instead of fast, maybe it'll end up better than today, I hope so.
I'm aiming for no more than 200 cals all day. We'll see.

Riding in cars with boys.

Today I didn't see my mother much, which is good, because that meant no forcefeeding, and no telling me how much she hates me and how I'm worthless and whatnot. 

I also wore a skirt. Which made me feel almost pretty. almost. I liked it. It made me feel like less of a slob.

I also got my laptop charger in the mail. So I can go on my laptop again isntead of sneaking onto my mother's laptop while she's asleep.

Oh, and I chilled with some guy I just met and my best friend. Went for a ride in his car and talked about a lot of things, from religion to childhood to clit piercings. 

And I chilled a little bit later on, curled up on my couch and read some Plato.

Today was good. And my calorie intake was low too.

Friday my friends and I are going out for sushi, which means that Saturday and Sunday Im liquid fasting to make up for it. Anyone with me?

Irrelevant ramblings.

"It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
Like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear"


Words that pretty much mean the world to me at the moment, from the song Saviour by Rise against .


My mother has officially caught onto me. Inspecting my meals and weight and whatnot.
I had to stuff myself on Friday so that when she'd weigh me she wouldn't see that I was down to 92 lbs.
I binged like never before, on the most fattening, disgusting foods ever. It expanded my stomach like crazy. It fucked up my system. I hadn't had a proper meal in days, maybe even a week or two, and there I was stuffing myself like never before.
I literally thought I might die. 
I just felt full, until all of a sudden wave of heat crushed me, made me so hot, my palms sweaty, but I shivered at the same time. My heart beat so fast and hard I felt it in my head, like someone was pounding away rhythmically at my head. The nausea rapidly and simultaneously overtaking me, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks.
A while later, it all disappeared, letting place to just a dull ache in my abdomen and my heart slowed down, along with the world seemingly slowing down as well, and feeling incredibly faint.


And all I could think was, this is what I deserve for betraying Ana so badly.
I provoked her and she possessed me to tear up my insides.


While the friends that were with me shot me with " that's what you get for starving yourself all the time! "
I thought, "that's what I get for eating today."


An endless circle.




My mother made me eat today as well. 
She made me have breakfast , and lunch.


I got away with not having supper or dinner. But for some reason I felt an odd urge to drink, and so I did. Didn't have enough to get drunk, but enough to get tipsy and feel almost good, almost forgetful.
I fell asleep and got up not too long ago, my long-fucking-distance boyfriend texted and I went online to talk to him.It is 4:48 am right now, the sun's rising, and I am listening to cheesy sad songs, wondering whether I should simply give up on living altogether and become a hermit. Because I'm too pussy to end my life.
I doubt anyone would fully read this, and if you do  I congratulate you, leave me a comment and I'd read your posts fully, even if they are also novel-length.


The comments grow more and more frequent. "Ew you lost so much weight", "You're so skinny it looks like you're weirdly disproportionate" 
& I don't give a fuck. I am nowhere near skinny yet. And they're all just fatasses who wish they could get rid of that last 15 lbs but can't resist stuffing themselves like the gluttons that they are.


In other news, my mother told me a bunch of news the other day. Shes apparently diabetic, oh and she apparently wants to get a divorce from my father so that he'd take me and fuck off, because she hates my guts and doesn't want to live with me anymore. 
Yes, my mother said she hated my guts. OH well. Nothing new there.
I lay in bed, and even in my lethargic apathetic state, I manage to smile at the irony. She hates me, but is monitoring my weight & food intake. Just so that people think she's a good mother. Because if her daughter were to be anything but a healthy, straight-A student, she'd be ashamed of her reputation among her other mother-friends and family.
If only you knew, mother. If only you knew about my ED, about my past, about getting caught up with the wrong crowd, drugs & drinking, and still managing to get myself out of it, if only you knew about my depression ever since I was 12/13 ... If only you knew I was suicidal at such a young age, and used to cut. If only you knew I don't give a shit about your culture and traditions. That I hate you right back, ever since that day when I was young, when you told me just how worthless I am.


Meanwhile the voices in my head just go meaner and meaner when I stepped on the scale today only to realize I've gained a pound.


I'm liquid fasting tomorrow, and I have come up with a few different ways to trick my mother when she tries to forcefeed me.
I will make it, Ana, don't worry.


'My hipbones will be as sharp as my mind."




If you read my whole post, I love you. Leave a comment telling me you read it all, and I'd love you even more.








Anyway, what have you girls been up to? Anyone got any good tricks to skip forcefeeding sessions, or meals with family?


Thinspo : Abby Lee Kershaw, fucking fave thinspo supermodel atm.

'All we know is falling'

So my friends made me eat yesterday.
And being an idiot, I gave in.
It's what I deserve for not being as reticent as I should be with my best friend about my ED.
I had a chicken sausage (70 cal)
a sandwich, made with two slices of whole weat toast (100 cal?)
With lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber (negative cal)
And a thin slice of cheese (70 cal?)
And then two potato wedges. (70 cal?)

Stepped on the scale this morning, imagning the horrible number, the repercussions of my little binge yesterday.
But,
no.
I didn't gain.
IM AT 92 POINT SOMETHING
Can you say miracle?

I feel weak, but strong, miserable but happy, lost , but so in-control.
All I know is my ascetic ways seem to be paying off.
Today, I had breakfast :/
an egg. =around 80 cals
and a cup of milk. (90 cals?)

Skipped lunch, possibly skipping supper? Idk.
I need to go jeans shopping. All of my jeans are getting quite loose.
Anyways, I might post later on today. This was just a quick update. :)

Much love.
Rezzie xx

'Am I loud & clear, or am I breaking up? Am I still your star, or am I just bad luck?"

Got back together with my boyfriend. And already we've re-started arguing and whatnot.
Yay..

Honestly, I'm too tired to care anymore, or to even try and see what I did wrong. The introspective person I was has disappeared, along with the lbs that disappeared.

Also, I binged on friday. And saturday. And I had breakfast, lunch & a snack today, when I should have been fasting to make up for Friday and Saturday.
bingebingebingebingeFUCKINGbinge.
There goes my magical 93 lbs.

I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed in at 97 tomorrow.
However I'm going to work out to try and shed as much as I can. And I will be back on restricting / fasting starting tomorrow.

I read an online article about how 'Ana' is becoming more and more popular online. And how to some girls, Ana is a person, to others, it's almost a religion or something. And how to some, Ana is considered an alternative lifestyle rather than an eating disorder (with which I wholeheartedly agree. )

I thought about it. To me, Ana is a beautiful creature. Perfection , happiness, calmness, serenity, beauty, peacefulness. Ana is a friend who would never give up on me, because she knows I can make it. Ana is a goal. Ana helps me, in my strive to happiness, and thinness. It makes me feel serene to just think of her. I think I'll try to sketch Ana. And maybe post it here.

What/ Who is Ana to you ?

Picture: Kaya Scodelario, aka Effy Stonem, one of my fave celeb. thinspos.

-Much love, Rezzie xx

Ecstatically happy.

Restricted like crazy
no more than like, 200 to 400 calories today and yesterday


and hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly smokes. 
I weighed in at 93-point-something pounds this morning. Basically, 93 lbs
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.


I have morphed into a little girl jumping up and down of joy.
and yes it is me in the picture. 

"I'm alive... but I'm losing all my drive"

Been restricting like crazy for the past few days, 
Weighed in at 95 pounds today.
yesyesyes. ♥ 


So "happy", except for the fact that I'm getting this weird problem, where my heart hurts and it feels like I'm suffocating. Idk, maybe it's just lack of sleep, or simply me being paranoid, as always.


Why did I put "happy" between quotation marks, you might ask? I don't believe in it anymore, I don't believe in love either. My boyfriend/fiancé and I broke up today. 9 months down the drain. Engagement down the drain. Happiness down the drain. Comfort down the drain.Fairy tale down the drain. Perfect summer down the drain. Love down the fucking drain.


We were supposed to go bunjee jumping this summer, and stargazing. Rock climbing too, and going to the beach. Watching cheesy movies, staying up late in eachother's arms.. Partying together, dancing the night away..
He was practically the only constant in my life, other than Ana. The only thing I could rely on...
I guess now being thin is the only thing that matters... just losing weight till I disappear into perfection.


I really hope this heart problem thing isn't going to last until tomorrow..I've got a french final exam.
Anyways, I am in no mood to study. So I guess I'll just have to improvise.


-Much love, Rezzie xx
Stay strong girls.

''Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now...''

Heat wave this morning, classes cancelled, I walk home with a guy friend, (who isn't single) but who keeps flirting incessantly, and it only gets more and more irritating,I get to my front porch, relieved, and then I realize I don't have my keys. It starts raining and I have to wait in the rain for my mother to come back home. She eventually does, and as soon as we get in we argue.argue.argue. I step in the kitchen, and the smell of the cooked food makes my head spin, so I decide "just a little bit wouldn't hurt." And of course I binge, and feel disgusting.
Can you say B A D  D A Y ? Bleh.


However, I weighed in at 96 lbs today. And It makes me sososososooooooo happy.
Beyond words.


To encourage/reward myself, I bought a new belly button ring, a dangly sparkly dragonfly, as a symbol and a reminder, to stay strong in my strive to achieve my ultimate goal weight. I love dragonflies. So beautifully thin, so fast, so strong, so meticulous. I suppose it might be a website I'd stumbled upon not too long ago. Which really gave me a good push , and support (that I strongly needed) to dive head-first into dieting. ( Blue-dragonfly.org )


"Dragonflies put the clumsy bumblebee to shame. "   -Blue-dragonfly.org
So, ladies, do you want to be a clumsy bumblebee? Or a beautiful, fascinating dragonfly? 


Stay strong all you beautiful ladies, you're getting there. It's only a matter of perseverance.
Much love, Rezzie xx

NEW PLAN. (:

So,

Dr's got postponed to next week. And after thinking, I have come to decide that.... 

FUCK the Drs, FUCK the hospital, FUCK everyone who tries to stop me, 

I am not going to continue stuffing myself with food like a glutton. 

I will go back to my diet, I will shed all the weight I gained for the stupid doctors, I will be beautifully thin, I will go back to Ana. She's been waiting long enough. I'm sorry I betrayed you for so long.

SO the plan is. 

I shed weight and go back on my diet, and then , two days before my appointment, I take a bunch of vitamin pills and chug Ensure. This stuff I bought that apparently makes you gain weight like crazy. If it works, then great. If it doesn't , well, that would suck, but what else can I do ?

All I know is I'm happy to be back, girls.

I should've fasted today, but had an exam and needed to be able to focus. So I restricted today to 500 cals.

Tomorrow liquid fast, and if I really can't control it, I'll have max 200 cals.

Saturday I'm getting pierced, I think. 

I haven't decided where yet. I've already gotten 13 piercings. ( 4 in my right ear & 4 in my left (including stretched earlobes) , my smiley piercing, my tongue web, my septum (which i usually keep hidden), my belly button, and a skin diver near my hip.) 

So, girls, where do you think I should pierce next? :] (Preferably somewhere hidden, I don't like too many visible piercings, I'd look like a walking pin cushion. )

--Much love, Rezzie

thinspo for the day:

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

My latent hysterical depression has now exploded and risen to the surface.
My BMI , last week, was 15.7 . Which I found disgustingly fat, although it is classified as "underweight"
My current BMI, after eating all week preparing for my appointment on Monday, is 17.5 . 
FUCKING 17.5
Which means , if I gain a few more pounds, it will turn into 18. Which is classified as "Normal".


No. I refuse to be "normal" I refuse to be disgustingly fat. But I must keep calm, I must. I decided I'm not weighing myself until after my doctor's appointment, when I am back on track on my diet.
It's just so goddamn difficult, eating and eating and eating. I feel so weighed down and ugly all the time now. 
oh well... just a few more days, just a few more days. Hopefully I won't gain much more. I'd rather not turn into Shrek.


Anyways, all I can do now is wait, painfully and impatiently . But I hope I am helping/supporting all you other girls out there, by showing you how disgusting and horrible it feels to gain weight and to eat.


I know that food might be something tempting at the moment. But once you shed a few pounds and feel oh so amazingly featherweight, you will realize how disgusting food can be . Food is just made for survival. You should eat to live, not live to eat. Food used to be something tempting to me, but once I shed some nasty pounds, and was down to 94 lbs,  I actually felt happier and lighter than ever, and of course, I felt so so strong and powerful. I actually came to hate eating , (other than having just a few light things, enough not to pass out, but that aren't filled with a bunch of nasty calories). So stay strong girls, no matter how hungry you are, because it IS worth it in the end, trust me. Hang in there. The hunger will fade away, along with all the nasty fat . To make place for your beautiful bones . 


-much love, Rezzie xx

"Am i still your charm, or am I just bad luck ?"

Sitting at my bed, staring out the window at the heartbreakingly beautiful blue night sky, I write this post & I feel discustingly full, bloated, fat, heavy, gargantuan, gruesome, and horrible, very very horrible.

You see, it all started around last week. Some of my friends/family notice my eating patterns not being too "normal". ( i put normal in quotation marks, because really, I think : Fuck Normal. If normal means stuffing your face with food like an animal , then I'd gladly pick being abnormal.)

Anyways, one thing led to another,I have to go see a doctor and get weighed/measured/tested/diagnosed etc. So , I have been eating like crazy. I gained about 4 lbs, and I feel discusting. But it is just so the doctors think I am 'normal' and let me go. After that, I am going back down to 94 lbs, and resuming my journey to being beautifully thin.

But I must say, i absolutely fucking hate eating so much. But I must persevere . Because if I don't gain weight , the doctors will hospitalize me, instead of letting me go, which would mean they would make SURE i gain weight and KEEP it, for good. Oh well, if temporarily gaining weight means they will let me go, then I comply.

It's a shame I must go through all of this unnecessary & childish procedure , but I suppose that's just how life is sometimes. But once I am done with the doctors, (which hopefully will be next week) I am going on a full-on fast , and then a liquid fast, and once i am back down to my original weight ( 94lbs) , I'll setup my plan , to get down to 90, and once i get there, new plan to get down to 85. It won't be easy, but no pain no gain, eh girls?

On a lighter note, I truly am starting to believe in shopping as a form of therapy. ♥ :)

It makes me happy. So does playing the guitar on a lonely night, or simply staring at the clouds pass by, or being on a swing, or a roller-coaster, I find happiness in the strangest things too sometimes.And one of the main things (if not the only one) that makes me happy is Ana. Gotta love Ana.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. It has been a long long day.

-Much love, Rezzie xx

Stay strong all you lovely, struggling, girls. No pain no gain.

The must-have cliche introduction paragraph.

With my eyes half closed due to sleepiness, here I am , writing my first post, first of many , many posts. I am way too tired to get into this, and do a proper introduction.

Basically, call me rezzie. email me at rez9094@hotmail.com

Im 16, im a skinny little girl, but not skinny enough i find.

Im a clumsy person in everything I do and say, but I honestly don't give a flying fuck.

I like well spoken people. I like people whose vocabulary surpasses 25 words. I like art. I like music. I like fashion. I like colours. But not always. I like a lot of things.

One thing I like alot is ana.

She's a good ol' mate.

Helping me on my little journey.

anyway, this is the beginning of the documentation of my journey. Followers and comments would be very much appreciated, we need to stick together girls, all us anas must stick together on our quests to be lovely, featherweight.

Current weight : 95 lbs.

Goal : I don't even fucking know. just less than what i am right now. I want my hipbones to be as sharp as my mind. & yes, that is me on my profile picture.

Good night girls, ill be posting daily.

Much love, xx Rezzie