"Am i still your charm, or am I just bad luck ?"

Sitting at my bed, staring out the window at the heartbreakingly beautiful blue night sky, I write this post & I feel discustingly full, bloated, fat, heavy, gargantuan, gruesome, and horrible, very very horrible.

You see, it all started around last week. Some of my friends/family notice my eating patterns not being too "normal". ( i put normal in quotation marks, because really, I think : Fuck Normal. If normal means stuffing your face with food like an animal , then I'd gladly pick being abnormal.)

Anyways, one thing led to another,I have to go see a doctor and get weighed/measured/tested/diagnosed etc. So , I have been eating like crazy. I gained about 4 lbs, and I feel discusting. But it is just so the doctors think I am 'normal' and let me go. After that, I am going back down to 94 lbs, and resuming my journey to being beautifully thin.

But I must say, i absolutely fucking hate eating so much. But I must persevere . Because if I don't gain weight , the doctors will hospitalize me, instead of letting me go, which would mean they would make SURE i gain weight and KEEP it, for good. Oh well, if temporarily gaining weight means they will let me go, then I comply.

It's a shame I must go through all of this unnecessary & childish procedure , but I suppose that's just how life is sometimes. But once I am done with the doctors, (which hopefully will be next week) I am going on a full-on fast , and then a liquid fast, and once i am back down to my original weight ( 94lbs) , I'll setup my plan , to get down to 90, and once i get there, new plan to get down to 85. It won't be easy, but no pain no gain, eh girls?

On a lighter note, I truly am starting to believe in shopping as a form of therapy. ♥ :)

It makes me happy. So does playing the guitar on a lonely night, or simply staring at the clouds pass by, or being on a swing, or a roller-coaster, I find happiness in the strangest things too sometimes.And one of the main things (if not the only one) that makes me happy is Ana. Gotta love Ana.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. It has been a long long day.

-Much love, Rezzie xx

Stay strong all you lovely, struggling, girls. No pain no gain.