FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

My latent hysterical depression has now exploded and risen to the surface.
My BMI , last week, was 15.7 . Which I found disgustingly fat, although it is classified as "underweight"
My current BMI, after eating all week preparing for my appointment on Monday, is 17.5 . 
FUCKING 17.5
Which means , if I gain a few more pounds, it will turn into 18. Which is classified as "Normal".


No. I refuse to be "normal" I refuse to be disgustingly fat. But I must keep calm, I must. I decided I'm not weighing myself until after my doctor's appointment, when I am back on track on my diet.
It's just so goddamn difficult, eating and eating and eating. I feel so weighed down and ugly all the time now. 
oh well... just a few more days, just a few more days. Hopefully I won't gain much more. I'd rather not turn into Shrek.


Anyways, all I can do now is wait, painfully and impatiently . But I hope I am helping/supporting all you other girls out there, by showing you how disgusting and horrible it feels to gain weight and to eat.


I know that food might be something tempting at the moment. But once you shed a few pounds and feel oh so amazingly featherweight, you will realize how disgusting food can be . Food is just made for survival. You should eat to live, not live to eat. Food used to be something tempting to me, but once I shed some nasty pounds, and was down to 94 lbs,  I actually felt happier and lighter than ever, and of course, I felt so so strong and powerful. I actually came to hate eating , (other than having just a few light things, enough not to pass out, but that aren't filled with a bunch of nasty calories). So stay strong girls, no matter how hungry you are, because it IS worth it in the end, trust me. Hang in there. The hunger will fade away, along with all the nasty fat . To make place for your beautiful bones . 


-much love, Rezzie xx