Irrelevant ramblings.

"It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
Like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear"


Words that pretty much mean the world to me at the moment, from the song Saviour by Rise against .


My mother has officially caught onto me. Inspecting my meals and weight and whatnot.
I had to stuff myself on Friday so that when she'd weigh me she wouldn't see that I was down to 92 lbs.
I binged like never before, on the most fattening, disgusting foods ever. It expanded my stomach like crazy. It fucked up my system. I hadn't had a proper meal in days, maybe even a week or two, and there I was stuffing myself like never before.
I literally thought I might die. 
I just felt full, until all of a sudden wave of heat crushed me, made me so hot, my palms sweaty, but I shivered at the same time. My heart beat so fast and hard I felt it in my head, like someone was pounding away rhythmically at my head. The nausea rapidly and simultaneously overtaking me, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks.
A while later, it all disappeared, letting place to just a dull ache in my abdomen and my heart slowed down, along with the world seemingly slowing down as well, and feeling incredibly faint.


And all I could think was, this is what I deserve for betraying Ana so badly.
I provoked her and she possessed me to tear up my insides.


While the friends that were with me shot me with " that's what you get for starving yourself all the time! "
I thought, "that's what I get for eating today."


An endless circle.




My mother made me eat today as well. 
She made me have breakfast , and lunch.


I got away with not having supper or dinner. But for some reason I felt an odd urge to drink, and so I did. Didn't have enough to get drunk, but enough to get tipsy and feel almost good, almost forgetful.
I fell asleep and got up not too long ago, my long-fucking-distance boyfriend texted and I went online to talk to him.It is 4:48 am right now, the sun's rising, and I am listening to cheesy sad songs, wondering whether I should simply give up on living altogether and become a hermit. Because I'm too pussy to end my life.
I doubt anyone would fully read this, and if you do  I congratulate you, leave me a comment and I'd read your posts fully, even if they are also novel-length.


The comments grow more and more frequent. "Ew you lost so much weight", "You're so skinny it looks like you're weirdly disproportionate" 
& I don't give a fuck. I am nowhere near skinny yet. And they're all just fatasses who wish they could get rid of that last 15 lbs but can't resist stuffing themselves like the gluttons that they are.


In other news, my mother told me a bunch of news the other day. Shes apparently diabetic, oh and she apparently wants to get a divorce from my father so that he'd take me and fuck off, because she hates my guts and doesn't want to live with me anymore. 
Yes, my mother said she hated my guts. OH well. Nothing new there.
I lay in bed, and even in my lethargic apathetic state, I manage to smile at the irony. She hates me, but is monitoring my weight & food intake. Just so that people think she's a good mother. Because if her daughter were to be anything but a healthy, straight-A student, she'd be ashamed of her reputation among her other mother-friends and family.
If only you knew, mother. If only you knew about my ED, about my past, about getting caught up with the wrong crowd, drugs & drinking, and still managing to get myself out of it, if only you knew about my depression ever since I was 12/13 ... If only you knew I was suicidal at such a young age, and used to cut. If only you knew I don't give a shit about your culture and traditions. That I hate you right back, ever since that day when I was young, when you told me just how worthless I am.


Meanwhile the voices in my head just go meaner and meaner when I stepped on the scale today only to realize I've gained a pound.


I'm liquid fasting tomorrow, and I have come up with a few different ways to trick my mother when she tries to forcefeed me.
I will make it, Ana, don't worry.


'My hipbones will be as sharp as my mind."




If you read my whole post, I love you. Leave a comment telling me you read it all, and I'd love you even more.








Anyway, what have you girls been up to? Anyone got any good tricks to skip forcefeeding sessions, or meals with family?


Thinspo : Abby Lee Kershaw, fucking fave thinspo supermodel atm.