Whywhywhy is this happening?
Why is everybody trying to drag me away from Ana, and all the other little voices in my head?
Don't they understand? The voices are part of me, they are me.
I was so happy today. I fasted all day, resisted temptation. Read to make the hunger pain fade away. Even though as I was reading all I could think of was the pasta on the kitchen table, the desert baking in the oven, the marshmellows on the counter, the chips in the pantry above that counter, with the corn on the right , and the jell-o on the left.
But I resisted. Very well. I was so happy with myself. I went out, to try and distract myself, and shopped.
Yes I am a materialistic shallow bitch who shops to distract herself and feel better about herself.
Later on I went to my aunt's place, knowing that her house smells like babies instead of food, and that on the occasion that she does cook, it's some odd iraki dish I wouldn't like.
My cousins and I watched a hockey game. The team we were supporting lost.
By the time I got home I was sleepy and tired and just wanted to go to bed , but I had to talk to my boyfriend.
Sigh.
He talks to me about this whole thing, which I'll explain further in my next post, since I am too sleepy at the moment. Anyways, I ended up bingeing.
Hard-fucking-core.
I probably had 1000 calories.
I had 7 marshmellows , a slice of toast with cheese, two cups of chocolate milk, two squares of dark chocolate, 2 bites of meat and 3 bites of pasta.
I am fat and ugly and stupid and worthless.
Kthx, good night girls. tomorrow I will restrict instead of fast, maybe it'll end up better than today, I hope so.
I'm aiming for no more than 200 cals all day. We'll see.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Riding in cars with boys.
Today I didn't see my mother much, which is good, because that meant no forcefeeding, and no telling me how much she hates me and how I'm worthless and whatnot.
I also wore a skirt. Which made me feel almost pretty. almost. I liked it. It made me feel like less of a slob.
I also got my laptop charger in the mail. So I can go on my laptop again isntead of sneaking onto my mother's laptop while she's asleep.
Oh, and I chilled with some guy I just met and my best friend. Went for a ride in his car and talked about a lot of things, from religion to childhood to clit piercings.
And I chilled a little bit later on, curled up on my couch and read some Plato.
Today was good. And my calorie intake was low too.
Friday my friends and I are going out for sushi, which means that Saturday and Sunday Im liquid fasting to make up for it. Anyone with me?
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Irrelevant ramblings.
"It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten
There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
Like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear"
Words that pretty much mean the world to me at the moment, from the song Saviour by Rise against .
My mother has officially caught onto me. Inspecting my meals and weight and whatnot.
I had to stuff myself on Friday so that when she'd weigh me she wouldn't see that I was down to 92 lbs.
I binged like never before, on the most fattening, disgusting foods ever. It expanded my stomach like crazy. It fucked up my system. I hadn't had a proper meal in days, maybe even a week or two, and there I was stuffing myself like never before.
I literally thought I might die.
I just felt full, until all of a sudden wave of heat crushed me, made me so hot, my palms sweaty, but I shivered at the same time. My heart beat so fast and hard I felt it in my head, like someone was pounding away rhythmically at my head. The nausea rapidly and simultaneously overtaking me, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks.
A while later, it all disappeared, letting place to just a dull ache in my abdomen and my heart slowed down, along with the world seemingly slowing down as well, and feeling incredibly faint.
And all I could think was, this is what I deserve for betraying Ana so badly.
I provoked her and she possessed me to tear up my insides.
While the friends that were with me shot me with " that's what you get for starving yourself all the time! "
I thought, "that's what I get for eating today."
An endless circle.
My mother made me eat today as well.
She made me have breakfast , and lunch.
I got away with not having supper or dinner. But for some reason I felt an odd urge to drink, and so I did. Didn't have enough to get drunk, but enough to get tipsy and feel almost good, almost forgetful.
I fell asleep and got up not too long ago, my long-fucking-distance boyfriend texted and I went online to talk to him.It is 4:48 am right now, the sun's rising, and I am listening to cheesy sad songs, wondering whether I should simply give up on living altogether and become a hermit. Because I'm too pussy to end my life.
I doubt anyone would fully read this, and if you do I congratulate you, leave me a comment and I'd read your posts fully, even if they are also novel-length.
The comments grow more and more frequent. "Ew you lost so much weight", "You're so skinny it looks like you're weirdly disproportionate"
& I don't give a fuck. I am nowhere near skinny yet. And they're all just fatasses who wish they could get rid of that last 15 lbs but can't resist stuffing themselves like the gluttons that they are.
In other news, my mother told me a bunch of news the other day. Shes apparently diabetic, oh and she apparently wants to get a divorce from my father so that he'd take me and fuck off, because she hates my guts and doesn't want to live with me anymore.
Yes, my mother said she hated my guts. OH well. Nothing new there.
I lay in bed, and even in my lethargic apathetic state, I manage to smile at the irony. She hates me, but is monitoring my weight & food intake. Just so that people think she's a good mother. Because if her daughter were to be anything but a healthy, straight-A student, she'd be ashamed of her reputation among her other mother-friends and family.
If only you knew, mother. If only you knew about my ED, about my past, about getting caught up with the wrong crowd, drugs & drinking, and still managing to get myself out of it, if only you knew about my depression ever since I was 12/13 ... If only you knew I was suicidal at such a young age, and used to cut. If only you knew I don't give a shit about your culture and traditions. That I hate you right back, ever since that day when I was young, when you told me just how worthless I am.
Meanwhile the voices in my head just go meaner and meaner when I stepped on the scale today only to realize I've gained a pound.
I'm liquid fasting tomorrow, and I have come up with a few different ways to trick my mother when she tries to forcefeed me.
I will make it, Ana, don't worry.
'My hipbones will be as sharp as my mind."
If you read my whole post, I love you. Leave a comment telling me you read it all, and I'd love you even more.
Anyway, what have you girls been up to? Anyone got any good tricks to skip forcefeeding sessions, or meals with family?
Thinspo : Abby Lee Kershaw, fucking fave thinspo supermodel atm.
What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten
There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
Like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear"
Words that pretty much mean the world to me at the moment, from the song Saviour by Rise against .
My mother has officially caught onto me. Inspecting my meals and weight and whatnot.
I had to stuff myself on Friday so that when she'd weigh me she wouldn't see that I was down to 92 lbs.
I binged like never before, on the most fattening, disgusting foods ever. It expanded my stomach like crazy. It fucked up my system. I hadn't had a proper meal in days, maybe even a week or two, and there I was stuffing myself like never before.
I literally thought I might die.
I just felt full, until all of a sudden wave of heat crushed me, made me so hot, my palms sweaty, but I shivered at the same time. My heart beat so fast and hard I felt it in my head, like someone was pounding away rhythmically at my head. The nausea rapidly and simultaneously overtaking me, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks.
A while later, it all disappeared, letting place to just a dull ache in my abdomen and my heart slowed down, along with the world seemingly slowing down as well, and feeling incredibly faint.
And all I could think was, this is what I deserve for betraying Ana so badly.
I provoked her and she possessed me to tear up my insides.
While the friends that were with me shot me with " that's what you get for starving yourself all the time! "
I thought, "that's what I get for eating today."
An endless circle.
My mother made me eat today as well.
She made me have breakfast , and lunch.
I got away with not having supper or dinner. But for some reason I felt an odd urge to drink, and so I did. Didn't have enough to get drunk, but enough to get tipsy and feel almost good, almost forgetful.
I fell asleep and got up not too long ago, my long-fucking-distance boyfriend texted and I went online to talk to him.It is 4:48 am right now, the sun's rising, and I am listening to cheesy sad songs, wondering whether I should simply give up on living altogether and become a hermit. Because I'm too pussy to end my life.
I doubt anyone would fully read this, and if you do I congratulate you, leave me a comment and I'd read your posts fully, even if they are also novel-length.
The comments grow more and more frequent. "Ew you lost so much weight", "You're so skinny it looks like you're weirdly disproportionate"
& I don't give a fuck. I am nowhere near skinny yet. And they're all just fatasses who wish they could get rid of that last 15 lbs but can't resist stuffing themselves like the gluttons that they are.
In other news, my mother told me a bunch of news the other day. Shes apparently diabetic, oh and she apparently wants to get a divorce from my father so that he'd take me and fuck off, because she hates my guts and doesn't want to live with me anymore.
Yes, my mother said she hated my guts. OH well. Nothing new there.
I lay in bed, and even in my lethargic apathetic state, I manage to smile at the irony. She hates me, but is monitoring my weight & food intake. Just so that people think she's a good mother. Because if her daughter were to be anything but a healthy, straight-A student, she'd be ashamed of her reputation among her other mother-friends and family.
If only you knew, mother. If only you knew about my ED, about my past, about getting caught up with the wrong crowd, drugs & drinking, and still managing to get myself out of it, if only you knew about my depression ever since I was 12/13 ... If only you knew I was suicidal at such a young age, and used to cut. If only you knew I don't give a shit about your culture and traditions. That I hate you right back, ever since that day when I was young, when you told me just how worthless I am.
Meanwhile the voices in my head just go meaner and meaner when I stepped on the scale today only to realize I've gained a pound.
I'm liquid fasting tomorrow, and I have come up with a few different ways to trick my mother when she tries to forcefeed me.
I will make it, Ana, don't worry.
'My hipbones will be as sharp as my mind."
If you read my whole post, I love you. Leave a comment telling me you read it all, and I'd love you even more.
Anyway, what have you girls been up to? Anyone got any good tricks to skip forcefeeding sessions, or meals with family?
Thinspo : Abby Lee Kershaw, fucking fave thinspo supermodel atm.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
'All we know is falling'
So my friends made me eat yesterday.
And being an idiot, I gave in.
It's what I deserve for not being as reticent as I should be with my best friend about my ED.
I had a chicken sausage (70 cal)
a sandwich, made with two slices of whole weat toast (100 cal?)
With lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber (negative cal)
And a thin slice of cheese (70 cal?)
And then two potato wedges. (70 cal?)
Stepped on the scale this morning, imagning the horrible number, the repercussions of my little binge yesterday.
But,
no.
I didn't gain.
IM AT 92 POINT SOMETHING
Can you say miracle?
I feel weak, but strong, miserable but happy, lost , but so in-control.
All I know is my ascetic ways seem to be paying off.
Today, I had breakfast :/
an egg. =around 80 cals
and a cup of milk. (90 cals?)
Skipped lunch, possibly skipping supper? Idk.
I need to go jeans shopping. All of my jeans are getting quite loose.
Anyways, I might post later on today. This was just a quick update. :)
Much love.
Rezzie xx
And being an idiot, I gave in.
It's what I deserve for not being as reticent as I should be with my best friend about my ED.
I had a chicken sausage (70 cal)
a sandwich, made with two slices of whole weat toast (100 cal?)
With lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber (negative cal)
And a thin slice of cheese (70 cal?)
And then two potato wedges. (70 cal?)
Stepped on the scale this morning, imagning the horrible number, the repercussions of my little binge yesterday.
But,
no.
I didn't gain.
IM AT 92 POINT SOMETHING
Can you say miracle?
I feel weak, but strong, miserable but happy, lost , but so in-control.
All I know is my ascetic ways seem to be paying off.
Today, I had breakfast :/
an egg. =around 80 cals
and a cup of milk. (90 cals?)
Skipped lunch, possibly skipping supper? Idk.
I need to go jeans shopping. All of my jeans are getting quite loose.
Anyways, I might post later on today. This was just a quick update. :)
Much love.
Rezzie xx
Sunday, May 9, 2010
'Am I loud & clear, or am I breaking up? Am I still your star, or am I just bad luck?"
Got back together with my boyfriend. And already we've re-started arguing and whatnot.
Yay..
Also, I binged on friday. And saturday. And I had breakfast, lunch & a snack today, when I should have been fasting to make up for Friday and Saturday.
bingebingebingebingeFUCKINGbinge.
There goes my magical 93 lbs.
I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed in at 97 tomorrow.
However I'm going to work out to try and shed as much as I can. And I will be back on restricting / fasting starting tomorrow.
I read an online article about how 'Ana' is becoming more and more popular online. And how to some girls, Ana is a person, to others, it's almost a religion or something. And how to some, Ana is considered an alternative lifestyle rather than an eating disorder (with which I wholeheartedly agree. )
I thought about it. To me, Ana is a beautiful creature. Perfection , happiness, calmness, serenity, beauty, peacefulness. Ana is a friend who would never give up on me, because she knows I can make it. Ana is a goal. Ana helps me, in my strive to happiness, and thinness. It makes me feel serene to just think of her. I think I'll try to sketch Ana. And maybe post it here.
What/ Who is Ana to you ?
Picture: Kaya Scodelario, aka Effy Stonem, one of my fave celeb. thinspos.
-Much love, Rezzie xx
Yay..
Honestly, I'm too tired to care anymore, or to even try and see what I did wrong. The introspective person I was has disappeared, along with the lbs that disappeared.
bingebingebingebingeFUCKINGbinge.
There goes my magical 93 lbs.
I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed in at 97 tomorrow.
However I'm going to work out to try and shed as much as I can. And I will be back on restricting / fasting starting tomorrow.
I read an online article about how 'Ana' is becoming more and more popular online. And how to some girls, Ana is a person, to others, it's almost a religion or something. And how to some, Ana is considered an alternative lifestyle rather than an eating disorder (with which I wholeheartedly agree. )
I thought about it. To me, Ana is a beautiful creature. Perfection , happiness, calmness, serenity, beauty, peacefulness. Ana is a friend who would never give up on me, because she knows I can make it. Ana is a goal. Ana helps me, in my strive to happiness, and thinness. It makes me feel serene to just think of her. I think I'll try to sketch Ana. And maybe post it here.
What/ Who is Ana to you ?
Picture: Kaya Scodelario, aka Effy Stonem, one of my fave celeb. thinspos.
-Much love, Rezzie xx
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Ecstatically happy.
Restricted like crazy
no more than like, 200 to 400 calories today and yesterday
and hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly smokes.
I weighed in at 93-point-something pounds this morning. Basically, 93 lbs
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
I have morphed into a little girl jumping up and down of joy.
and yes it is me in the picture.
no more than like, 200 to 400 calories today and yesterday
and hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly smokes.
I weighed in at 93-point-something pounds this morning. Basically, 93 lbs
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
I have morphed into a little girl jumping up and down of joy.
and yes it is me in the picture.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
"I'm alive... but I'm losing all my drive"
Been restricting like crazy for the past few days, Weighed in at 95 pounds today.
yesyesyes. ♥
So "happy", except for the fact that I'm getting this weird problem, where my heart hurts and it feels like I'm suffocating. Idk, maybe it's just lack of sleep, or simply me being paranoid, as always.
Why did I put "happy" between quotation marks, you might ask? I don't believe in it anymore, I don't believe in love either. My boyfriend/fiancé and I broke up today. 9 months down the drain. Engagement down the drain. Happiness down the drain. Comfort down the drain.Fairy tale down the drain. Perfect summer down the drain. Love down the fucking drain.
We were supposed to go bunjee jumping this summer, and stargazing. Rock climbing too, and going to the beach. Watching cheesy movies, staying up late in eachother's arms.. Partying together, dancing the night away..
He was practically the only constant in my life, other than Ana. The only thing I could rely on...
I guess now being thin is the only thing that matters... just losing weight till I disappear into perfection.
I really hope this heart problem thing isn't going to last until tomorrow..I've got a french final exam.
Anyways, I am in no mood to study. So I guess I'll just have to improvise.
-Much love, Rezzie xx
Stay strong girls.
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